Recently I have found myself holding onto the boys in a hug that little bit longer, smelling their hair and holding their hand as I sit next to them. I'm basically holding onto them more than I used to and I think it's because mentally I'm trying to hold onto their tiny selves as they are almost 4 and really turning into BIG boys. My babies, in short, are most definitely not babies and not toddlers anymore and it breaks my heart. Why? Because I spent the first year and a little bit of time after that wishing away the time. We went through so many rough patches with the boys in terms of their health (non stop crying with reflux and collic), my mental health and then just the general relentless tiredness that comes from looking after two rambunctious babies/toddlers that are the same age and collude to get into mischief. It was hard and I remember hearing all the older twin mums saying it got easier and I literally couldn't wait....
Well guess what, now it is here. They are "easier" but they are all grown up, and they are my first and LAST babies. I'm sad that all those firsts, first smiles, first laughs, first steps, first words...you get the drift are also my last firsts. I think being only one year away from school has really made this hit home. The day I wave my gorgeous boys off at the school gate is the last time I'll do that and the start of my new normal, not having my kids to myself whenever I want. It will from then on be dictated by school holiday and then even worse, when they want to see me when they are grown ups! Those boys bloody well better be mamas boys who want to hang with their old lady all the time.
It's so weird thinking that I only had one pregnancy but ended up with two babies and I won't get to do any of that stuff over again. It was a one time thing, just like everything is in their lives now. I'm not sure if this makes sense to everyone but I feel grief over it, those firsts makes me smile from the centre of my soul but then the sadness can hit that that fleeting moment has come and gone and there are no other subsequent baby nuggets on the way to give me a second time round. No learning from my mistakes like soaking that baby time up. I know I have a lifetime of firsts to look froward too with both the boys but those ones that seem to happen in the first few years of their lives feel the most precious right now and I miss them. I know you may think it sounds like maybe I want another child, a tiny part of me wonders and thinks "just maybe" but really we are so happy with our family and the boys feel like they rounded us off completely. But still, just because I don't want anymore children doesn't mean I don't think about how fleeting it is having two kids at once who achieve all those milestones in they childhood together. It just goes way too damn fast. That said, I'm so lucky to have two healthy sons, I never take that for granted.
So mamas, soak it in! Because before you know it they will be all grown up and you will miss those moments of sweet baby breathe, hot and misty, rising up your face as they snuggle into you. xxx