In a matter of seconds, I kind of lost it today. Not in the crazy throw shit around kind of way, but went from feeling ok to feeling exhausted, frustrated, mad, anxious, sad and teary all at the same time. I had a little bit of a rant on my Instagram story as I am a firm believer in venting, but I still held back. Because I was embarrassed, I seriously was on the verge of crying and when the phone was put down I really had a good bawl. I was embarrassed as what I was upset about was so trivial (lack of sleep and missing some quality couple time), and showing that much emotion on social media is just something I haven’t done face to face like that before. There are millions of people going through the same things I was feeling today. Trivial…that’s word and thought is where I know my problem would become bigger, we think our issues are trivial, bottle them up and don’t give ourselves permission to feel what we are feeling. That is what I’m trying to work on these days, giving myself to permission to feel however I feel with no apologies about it. So I thought writing it all down here would help, this is my 2.0 vent and hopefully, someone else feel the same way and lets themselves feel ok about feeling these – as I was calling them earlier – “silly little things”.
Oscar & Hunter aren’t sleeping well, at all, it’s been weeks of constantly waking overnight and both myself and Jay are exhausted. I know that lack of sleep and being tired is a trigger for me, especially when it comes to my kids. When they were babies they had reflux and colic and our whole household got very little sleep for a long time…it made me sick and triggered PND. Not fun at all. Their current sleeping habits are reminding me of having newborns again and I feel like it is bringing back all those feelings. Anger, tears, exhaustion, anxiety…it wasn’t till I sat down to write this and started to think about how I feel tonight before I realized that’s how I felt. It’s like it is taking me back and I’m preempting the fallout with how it happened last time. But it won’t, I won’t let it. I’m definitely nowhere near as bad as I was and suffering PND but I’m just at the point where everything seems a bit too much at the moment and my body is telling me to take it easy or it will shut down. That’s what it likes to do when life all gets a bit too much. Auto Immune diseases (my Alopecia) means my body is always in battle with itself and I find I get very run down quickly. It doesn’t help that I have a busy week planned, but I’m not changing those plans as they are “me: moments that also make me feel good. What I do know is a good nights sleep and some time out with my husband will really help fix what I’m feeling.
Isn’t it funny how our partner can be right by our side constantly but you still miss them? We made it a rule to make sure we spent time out alone together without our kids when we had the boys. It made us feel like “us” and helps keep our relationship strong/keep our sanity. We have both realised we haven’t done that all year, we have had time without the kids separately, I went to America to see my brother graduate and Jay went to Canada to film a doco with Harley Davidosn, but we haven’t had time away where it is just us doing us. I know we are very lucky to have family to help so we can take these moments, a lot of people don’t and have never spent much time away from their kiddies. But this is what we do and it has worked. Jay and I have an amazing relationship, we always have. If anything was going to break us, it was that first year with the twins, as it wasn’t pretty.
This year has gone by in a flash, I can’t believe it’s almost July. It’s crazy, and it’s been so busy, hello major surgery amongst other things! So it’s time I listen to my body…what am I going to do? Book a bloody night away with my man, enjoy his company and a solid nights sleep! Oh it will be glorious.
Any suggestions on what we should do would be great!?