I have been putting off writing this blog. To be completely honest my pregnancy wasn't much fun at all, in fact I kind of hated it. I was really sick so writing this feels like re living it and it's something I try to forget. But here goes, as I know you would like to read about it. So I will put your needs before mine. Don't say I'm not good to you. Here goes it....
When we found out our second transfer from IVF was successful we were over the moon happy! I had a scan scheduled two weeks later at the six-week mark in my pregnancy and I couldn't wait to see that tiny little flicker of the heart beat.
Now I know that with pregnancy comes weight gain, but just before my six-week scan I stepped on the scales and was quite freaked to see that in two weeks I had put on three kilos! Three kilos is A LOT to be putting on in two weeks and had me freaked out for how I was going to look at the end of my pregnancy. Now little did I know this was my first clue to twins.
At my six-week scan I mentioned to the doctor this weight gain and she said not to worry, this what the body does blah blah blah and wrote it off. Up I hopped onto the bed and had the scan. One perfect little heart beat, bliss! Then a move of the wand and a sudden change of look on the doctors face "We need to talk about their being two of them". Oh fuck! Twins?! I have never been one of those people who thought it would be cool to have twins, I never even thought about it...It was the furthest thing from my mind. My husband however, ALWAYS wanted twins! So while I held the wall to stable myself (not sure why as I was already lying down) and started freaking out he was jumping up and down, clapping his heads and squealing like a little girl.
That explains the weight gain she said. When you become pregnant your body makes a whole lot more blood for the baby, and that amount is even larger the more babies you are pregnant with. So my three kgs was all blood! Phew. Little did I know that would be the last of my weight (as in being too heavy) problems whilst pregnant.
Literally the day after we found out we were having twins I started vomiting...all day, every day!
I was vomiting unto 20 times a day and it was absolute hell. I tried every trick, potion, drug in the book to stop the vomiting but none of it worked. I was hoping it would end at 12 weeks like most people's does, but god I was wrong there. I'm lucky I held out at work till 24 weeks, my poor boss was so kind to put up with me running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I also had lovely colleagues who knew that all I could eat was carbs and in particular chessey-mite scrolls from bakers delight, which lucky for me was under our building. I would often come back from the bathroom to find one sitting on my desk. I survived on those things and forced myself to sip water in menial amounts. I had been in hospital for the drips and I hated it, so knew if I could eat a tiny bit and drink a small amount I could stay out of there.
My mum thinks I exaggerate everything when I'm sick (Hi mum!) I don't know why, but she always has thought I make things out to be worse than it is. I was the kid who also always happened to be sick or hurt themselves so that's probably why. Jay went away to Las Vegas for work while I was pregnant and he rang my mum and said she had to come stay with me while he was gone. She didn't think I would actually need looking after, but she came anyway. I managed to pull myself together somewhat for work because I can be a battler; but it meant when I got home in the evening I was a mess. I would be flat on the couch or hunched over the toilet with no energy for anything else. Within 5 minutes of her stepping inside the house she realised how bad I was. Sure she had seen me puke over the last few months, but I guess she never had spent days on end with me and saw that it was really relentless and I never got "better" for any periods of time. People who spent any large amount of tie with me at home or on the rare ocassion out and about quickly realised how bad it was. Julia my best friend lives in Sydney and she often came hoe for worked and stayed, she had to listen to a lot of puking! One time I went shopping for baby clothes with another pregnant friend and she couldn't believe I would just pop into restaraunt bathrooms inbetween stores to puke and then keep on shopping (I mentioned I can be a battler right!).
I went through my photos to find a few of me pregnant and couldn't help but laugh at these two and about 10 others like it. Note the spew bucket at the bottom of every photo. Those buckets lived in my room incase I couldn't make it to the bathroom from my bed.
Warning: this is a paragraph o gross vomiting stuff. But do read as it contains as it contains something about teens having sex in a Mc Donalds parking lot. What does that have to do with my pregnancy and vomiting? Read on!
As I said I lived off carbs; I fast realised it was the easiest thing to throw up. It's funny how skilled I became in knowing what I could and couldn't eat with how easy or miserable it was going to be to puke up. Such a strange thing to be schooled in right? Here are a few of the worst; steak! Enough said. Broccoli, I LOVE broccoli but it tastes like Rotorua smells when it comes back up. Apparently its something to do with the phosphorus it has in it. Apple, too hard in texture! Quinoa, that stuff is so small it takes forever and is really hard to get up. Funny story about Quinoa, I had eaten it when we left Jays parents in the Mount before driving home. He had to pull over in the Mc Donald's in Cambridge for me to get rid of it, as I had spent the whole time over the Kaimais desperately trying to not puke in a bag. Jay pulled into the car park and I jumped out of the car to walk around and be sick by the front of it. I looked to my right as I don't really like vomitting infront of people (not that I could help it, Ponsonby road and the walk from where I parked my car to work saw it often!) and was seeing if anyone was parked in the car over from us. I got the biggest shock my life, some young girls was naked from the waist down bouncing up and down on some guy! I mean come on?! It's the middle of the day, it's a busy car park and there is a skate park about 20 metres to the right! What were these kids up to?! If I didn't already feel sick now I definitely did! I'm sure my puking made their already really romantic moment even better!
On top of being so ill I also had really intense back and rib pain during the later stages of the pregnancy. So much so that I was moved to the pain management team at the hospital as your OB can't prescribe anything other than paracetamol and that didn't help at all. I know everyone is in pain and uncomfortable during pregnancy and you may think I should've sucked it up. But it literally was debilitating me at some points, I would lie on my bed and just cry and cry it was so bad. Poor Jay had a tough time consoling me through the vomiting and now this too! Although he could have picked his timing better at moments like this, as I was bawling on the bed about the pain one day he nicely pointed out that my first stretch mark had shown up on my belly. GREAT!
Enough of the sick stuff for a while. Even though I felt awful I was actually the most body confident I had been in a while whilst pregnant. I thought our bodies were amazing growing these babies. Plus my tummy had always been my problem area so the giant twin belly and being pregnant was better than looking a little bit pregnant/bloated when not. haha. I actually did a photo shoot with a magazine about body confidence and they are the only professional photos I had of my belly whilst pregnant, I really should try to get the originals. These are ones my friend took on my mobile during the shoot. I was about 20ish weeks pregnant here.
I said at the beginning of this that I didn't have to worry about weight gain during my pregnancy anymore, well the hyperemesis gravidarum definitely took care of that. I was about 72kgs when I fell pregnant. The IVF and fertility drugs we used definitely made me pile on a few kgs. The day I gave birth I was weighed and I was 70kgs! Keep in mind that I had two babies who were about 5kgs combined in me, a giant placenta that easily weighs a few kilos, double the normal amount of blood running through my veins and all of my amniotic fluid. So I think I easily lost 10kgs from being so sick during the 34 weeks I was pregnant. So plus side (if you can look at it like that) I was TINY when I gave birth and afterwards, but it was totally not achievable to stay looking that way. I have the opposite problem of most women who have given birth, I have gotten heavier post birth rather than lost weight. SOOOOO many people kept commenting about "how amazing I looked" and yes I did look good, but I had to keep reminding people I had been so ill so unless I was going to become bulimic I wasn't going to stay that way. That was never going to happen, I hoped I would never vomit again! I said this to a lot of people because I felt so uncomfortable with people thinking that's how you should look after giving birth, some people do, which is great! But I knew my "bouncing" back was due to being so sick and not because I had great genes, an already banging bod pre pregnancy and had kept exercising during my pregnancy. I wish that was the case!
Creepy video of the nuggs rolling around at about 31 weeks.
We near the end, you are almost though it!
At 30 weeks pregnant I kept having lots of niggles/contractions. What the medical people would call very significant Braxton hicks, that also came with pelvic pain. I was admitted into hospital at 30 weeks for a few days to monitor the babies and my contractions, I was told they would probably arrive within two weeks and they wouldn't stop them if that was the case. I was given a steroid shot so that the babies lungs could grow, as that's a huge issue for premature babies.
At this stage I actually totally ready for them to come out (I know some of you will think I'm horrible for wishing them out that early) but I was just so sick and in so much pain. I knew everyday on the inside was better, but I was at breaking point. You see through all of this sickness, pain, not to mention the trying times to get pregnant I found it really hard to "bond" with the babes in my stomach. I just couldn't get my head around them, as at that time all they did was make me feel like death. I loved them, as they were my children, but I wasn't "in love" with them yet. I was excited to meet them, but I think half that excitement was because I knew once they were out I would feel normal again. I kept referring to the boys as "them" like they were little invaders of my body and over my life. This is really hard to admit, as of course they are my WORLD now and I hate to think I was ever so negative about them...and I was negative about them. I think I called them "tiny assholes" a few times for how bad they made me feel...I definitely said some much nastier things that I will never repeat again. I seriously feel so bad for saying these things, but it was how I felt at the time and was my reality. Sorry boys! Mama LOVES you more than anything now. I'm writing this as I didn't know anyone who felt like this about their children when pregnant and I felt quite isolated. I only had a few preganant friends who already were gushing about their unborn babes and I was sitting there cursing mine and calling them assholes! I was wishing I felt like that and already had a "connection" with my children, but I only had negatives in my head. You could be sitting here reading this and thinking snap out of it, think positively. Well I did try, but being that ill it really was hard to connect with them just yet. So for any of you mums who felt the same way, or are felling that now. I feel you! Its bloody hard, you want to be that "in love" mum and it's just not happening. Don't stress, I want you to know that it is TOTALLY normal! You aren't a "bad mum" like I thought of myself at the time. It was even crazier to me as they were such wanted children, we had gone through a painful fertility journey to even get them. All I could think was how un grateful was I? So many people are desperate for children but unfortunely aren't able too. To say I felt guilt at feeling that way was an understatement.
Now that hard bit is out of the way (I had been dreading typing that bit) that takes us to hospital at 30 weeks again. Well I got out and sat around waiting for them to arrive "within two weeks" like my OB said. Well two weeks came and went and I thought these little buggers are going to stay in there to my scheduled c section date (they were breach and transverse and not moving so it was all locked in at a little before 37 weeks as per protocol with ID/MODI twins).
Then it happened!
At 6:50am on Saturday 9th of March 2014 I rolled over in bed and felt a gushing between my legs. Shit I thought, I have finally wet myself. Everyone said it would happen, and it's happened! I sat up on the bed and squeezed my pelvic floor like they had told me too, if its wee then this would stop it. It didn't stop! I was in disbelief it was my waters, I stood up to test that out again and Jay* said I was crazy. "Of course it's your waters, it pooled around you on the bed and get off the carpet, you're leaking all over it!". I ran to the bathroom and still in disbelief debated whether I should call my ob or not. Jay told me I was crazy again and I rang him. He was on holiday for a long weekend so I was put through to his cover and we rushed into Auckland Central Hospital....
*I'm bloody lucky Jay was there. For some bizarre reason I had said he could go surfing at Piha that morning. I hadn't let him go far from me since that 30 week scare but since they hadn't come in that two-week period I guess I got a little relaxed. Lucky he had one too many beers watching the rugby the night before so ditched the surfing. If he had;t at 7am he would have probably been in the water already and about 2.5 hours away from checking his phone and then an hour drive from me. He literally would have missed the birth of his sons! Thank god the rugby was on is all I can say!